A Man's Three Key's to Change

This is the transcript from episode 15 of "The Confident Man" podcast.

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Today, we're gonna be looking at what it takes to really change. Ah, lot of men want to change, but they often end up getting stuck in a rut or they've tried to change. And maybe they've tried a bunch of times, but it just hasn't worked. What does it take to really go in a new direction and change? Today, we're gonna look at the three keys to change for every man. So let's jump right in.

Welcome to the confident man Podcast. Empowering men with the confidence they need to live their adventure. Now here is your host, David Maxwell.

Hey, guys. Welcome to Episode 15. So glad today on today we're gonna be talking about change and change is something that a lot of guys want to do. They always think about it. This is how I'm gonna change. This is what I'm gonna do. But it's hard. It really is hard. And I'm not saying that to make excuses, it's just reality. If change was easy, everybody would do it. But it's a multibillion dollar industry because it's hard.

It makes me think of one time I was driving through New Orleans I lived on the coast at the time, and my family and I were coming back through New Orleans and I had the map on my phone on, even though I kind of knew the way, because it's basically interstate the way we go. And all of a sudden my map on the phone changed and and it told me to exit soon and I knew I wasn't supposed to exit and I thought, Well, that's dumb. Why is it making me wanna exit? Well, I came over a hill and I saw why. Because I looked ahead and saw the traffic was backed up. So I quickly got over assassins. I could tow exit. Now, the funny thing is, I had no idea where my phone was taking me because I got off in this area of New Orleans. That was, uh, kind of sketchy and not a place she really wanted to go and be. But it took me through, and I went through all these weird routes and saw these places, and eventually I got to a place where I got back up on the interstate and headed home, and it was it was cool because I avoided all the traffic. All the backed up and the phone took me in a new direction. And what happened when I went that new direction? I missed all the problems,

See a lot of problems in our lives as men would be avoided if we learned how to take a new direction. If we learned how to change, and at the time of this recording, it's the new year. The New Year's coming up in a few days, and many of us is. Men were thinking about our life and what we want to change now. Now I think that's good. I'm not a big fan of resolutions, but I am a big fan of reflection. You see, reflection for a man is a lost art. Society keeps us busy, we're either watching something, doing something having to be somewhere. And sometimes in that business we forget what it is to reflect. And I think men truly need to understand reflection because life isn't really lived unless you take some time to reflect on your life. So so there's a truth that needs to come out during that reflection, and sometimes that truth is that we need to change And the reality that comes from that is that becoming a new man means you have to go a new direction. You can't change if you don't do things differently. And too many of us are trying to change ourselves without changing what we do. We just kind of hope everything changes. So what we're gonna talk about today is how do we take a new direction? What are the three keys to really change and to go in a new direction as a man. Now I'm going to give you these three keys and I'm gonna give them to you in order. And you've got to do them in this order for them to be effective. So let's check him out now.

The first key to change is something I call mirror time. Now, when you stand in front of the mirror like after you shower and you're just there with nothing on, you really can't hide anything. And, that's something we have to understand in our life. Uh, that's why a lot of people don't like pictures and videos of themselves, because that picture and video actually shows you from a perspective you never get to see because you're inside of yourself. So you don't really get to see yourself the way sometimes pictures and videos show you. Um, and that's why we don't really like mirrors sometimes. Because when you're standing in front of the mirror and you're just buck naked there, you can't hide anything. Reality is what it iss, um it doesn't hide anything. And so a lot of times we avoid mirrors. Just like in our lives, we often times avoid the truth. You know, a lot of men take the avoidance approach toe life. Well, if I don't think about it, it's not a problem. If I stay busy and never reflect on it, it's not really there. The problem with that is it is there and, like if if you're extremely overweight, you cannot look in a mirror, you can do things to hide it. But it's still a reality, and what we have to do is take a mirror approach to our evaluation. When you evaluate where you're at as a man, when you reflect on it, you need to do it as if you're looking in a mirror. But here's something you want to remember. There's no judgment in the mirror a mirror doesn't judge you a mirror, doesn't have a personality. Ah, mirror just shows you reality. And what we want to do is is look at ourselves from that realistic perspective from a truthful perspective. Now, again, a lot of guys don't like to do this because it actually brings a lot of shame, because when they really think about what they're doing or what they're not doing in their life, it can bring shame. You know, they feel like failures. Well, I should have done this, or I've been trying to lose weight for 10, 15, 20 years, and I haven't done it. So So the mirror actually bring shame to them, but they have to remember that's a self imposed shame. The mirror has nothing to do with that Now. Mirrors can be uncomfortable, but we have to look into the mirror if we want to see reality and in your life, what you have to do is learn how to reflectively look inside yourself to see what really needs to be changed. You see, if you never look in the mirror, you'll never be able to know what what needs to be changed in your body. You can't say. Well, I need toe I need to work on May be gaining some muscle. Maybe I'm losing all my muscle tone or I need to lose weight. Or I need to shift and build up this part of my body and and and do things like that. That's what a mirror shows you. And in your life, you want to do the same thing. What needs work? What doesn't need work? What do you need to pare down? What do you need to strengthen all of those things? Can Onley happen when you look in the mirror? One of the things that that mirrors do for me is I have this. I don't know, I I guess it's a paranoia, um, about food being in my teeth. I guess it started from braces and I don't know the way my teeth are formed. Uh, the way they were kind of put together with braces, they can hold some foods really, really well, I mean, it just gets lodged in there. So I have this paranoia about Do I have food in my teeth a lot of times, so I'll do all kinds of things to try and figure it out. But if I don't have a mirror, it doesn't work. Or if I don't have my phone where I can I can turn and kind of do a picture of my teeth so I can see, because if I have a piece of bread stuck in my tooth, I don't wanna be sitting there talking with people and then later you go see it if you ever had that happen. You know you have food stuck in your teeth and you don't know it. And you like, go to the bathroom and you look in the mirror and all sudden, there's like a big brown thing in your tooth and you didn't know it. And you've been talking people for 30 minutes and nobody told you they're not your friends. But you know, you want to know those things. So that's what a mirror does. It shows you what's really there, and what you want to do is learn how to reflect on your life without getting all that shame. I mean, there may be some things there that aren't good, but you have to be able to look at him openly and honestly so as you're reflecting. You wanna You wanna ask yourself some questions? Like, who do you wanna be? You know, if you could change things in your life, what would it be? Just like if you look in the mirror and physically you look at some areas of your life you want to change? What about looking at your life emotionally? What kind of relationships do you wanna have? What kind of person do you wanna be? What kind of Let's say if you're married, what kind of husband do you wanna be? What kind of father do you wanna be? Um, or, you know, if you're single, what kind of person you want to be at work or what kind of friend do you wanna be? Those air. Some questions that we don't ask ourselves enough as men. And when we do, ask them, we wanna look at ourselves Truthfully. You wanna You wanna look in that mirror now? Sometimes that mirror can be yourself. Sometimes it could be a friend. Ah, friend, you asked. Hey, can you help me out? Um, it could be maybe a coach or someone who can give you some honest feedback in your life. Those are things you want to seek out because the mirror shows you reality. And if you never see reality, you'll never change.

The second key of change. We wanna look at its focus time. Now, what you do with focus time is you think about those things that you saw in your mirror time you focus on them. One of the first questions you should ask yourself is, how honest were you? Um, were you really honest about the things in your life they need to change? And the second thing you want to do is understand that you can't fix everything at once, So don't try to many men try to fix everything in their life at once. Like I said, we're coming upon the new year. And you probably had friends do this where? You know they start January 1. I'm going to do the crazy diet. I'm gonna exercise, you know, eight days a week. I'm gonna join three gym so I can hit each one on my way home. I'm going to start a new hobby, and I'm going to spend, you know, $10,000 getting ready for it. I'm gonna organize every aspect of my life and they want to do all of this in the first few weeks of January. The problem with that is you get that serious burn out. Andi, it really hurts. These things aren't bad. I mean, wanting to diet and exercise and join a gym and organize your life or start a hobby. Those were all good things. But you can't do them all at once. And and as men, we often times we're all or nothing. You know, it's kind of like I'm all in. I'm gonna fix everything right now. The issue with that is we don't really focus. What we're doing is we're trying to fix everything, and so we've doomed ourselves to fail. And what you have to do is you have to focus and prioritize what you want to fix. What did you see her in the mirror? You may write down 15 things, but you can only really effectively work on fixing a few of them. And what you want to do is kind of look at those areas of your life that need to be fixed first. Maybe it is your health. Maybe physically, there's some health issues, or spiritually, you've got health issues or even emotionally. Or maybe it's relationships. Maybe you've got dating issues or if you're a dad and you want to connect with your Children but aren't sure how or in your marriage you feel like your marriage isn't really going anywhere Relation, Aly. Or maybe you've got some addictions that are hurting you. You know, you you could be where you drink way too much alcohol or you eat too much. Maybe eating is an addiction or you, you know, uncontrolled pornography or even gaming. You know, any of those things could be stuff that you're you're medicating yourself with that you probably should fix first. So what you want to do is look at your life and focus on fixing the biggest issues. First, you want to prioritize your change or you'll be scattered. There's probably lots of things in our lives we want to fix, and there is all of us have those things. But if you try to fix everything, you won't fix anything. So pick the first few. And the reason so many men don't change is there not there not focused. They try to fix everything or they get distracted and they kind of become the fix of the Month club, where every month they're trying something new. And maybe you've been that guy where one month it's a new hobby. One month that your marriage one month, it's being a dad. One month it's this and that. And what we kind of do is we do it for a month. We burn out on it and we move on to the next thing. So nothing's ever really accomplished. Everything is just kind of touched. What do you have to understand is that change is like building a house. When you when you build a house, you have to have a plan and you have to follow a certain order. You gotta you gotta prepare that foundation, which means doing the ground work, which is that that going deep work to build a good foundation, you have to go deep and in our life to bring real change. We have to be willing to go deep. We have to work on things in that order. Now you're not a house, but there's an order to things you know you don't wanna you know, if something is going to kill you. Yeah, you want to fix that first, you know if it's causing death. You know, if there's addictions that air literally destroying your life, um, or destroying your your family are destroying you in different ways. Yeah, you want to fix those and those air? Probably the first thing. And there may be just destruction behaviors that you're doing that maybe aren't killing you, but are destroying your relationships. Yeah, those are things you need to work on. Death and destruction or too high priorities in your life and a lot of guys. It's amazing how they can work on things that aren't that important, but avoid the things that really are. You know, if something is destroying your marriage, a lot of guys won't work on that. But they're working their shop and work on a hoppy something that's not really that important when you compare it to the rest of life. And if you don't take care of these foundational things, you won't be able to build a successful life is a man, so don't worry about the other step. You can't worry about the roof of a house until you build the foundation and what you want to do in your life is what do I need to do to build my foundation? You know what? What does it look like to be focused? And we have to understand that that the focus is in a short term thing. Focus is a long term solution. And when you learn how to focus, what's amazing is it becomes a habit and you do it Mawr and mawr. You'll learn all kinds of new aspects about yourself in your life. It will make you a better person to be with toe work with. You see men who learned to focus our men who gained meaning in their life. So after you look in the mirror and see what needs to be changed, then you focus on just a few of the key areas to start with. Don't try and fix everything at once, but focus on the most important things first. All right, we've had our mirror time. We've had our focus time.

The third key to really bring change in your life is route time. Now, when I say route, I'm thinking about planning the route you're going to take what? Where you going? It makes me think this year I was doing Ah, triathlon, and there weren't that many this year because of Kobe. But I decided back in the summer they had this opportunity to get coaching where they had this. This woman who's a coach, she's a great triathlete, and she put together a training plan for us. And I thought, You know, I'm going to do that. I've never done that before. Eso I thought, Well, why not? Well, I started getting that stuff from her on what to do, what workouts to do. And I realized something. I realized how sad my preparations were for other races. I realized what I wasn't doing. There was a lot of things I wasn't doing enough, and that's why my races weren't going so well. So So when I got that planet kind of put me on a new direction of training. Now it was harder, but I was much better prepared for the race. Now, of course, I got Cove it and I wasn't able to run, so I was very bitter about that. But I was in great shape for when I did have Cove in, because I was probably in the best shape I've been in for a race, and that's because I picked a different route. I got some coaching. I moved in a new direction, and what you want to do is understand that planning your route. It's so important in life. You've seen the truth in the mirror. You picked the areas to focus on. Now you have to plan. How are you going to get better? The problem with New Year's and people's resolutions at the beginning of New Year's is they're very generic. You say, Hey, what's your New Year's resolution? I'm gonna lose weight. Okay, What else? I'm gonna get in shape. I'm gonna be a better person. I'm gonna have a better marriage. Um, but those aren't detailed Those Avery general. And the nice thing about general stuff is you're not really judged on it, so you can say I want to lose weight, but you're not being specific and you need to bring specifics to know. Did I even do it? So instead of losing weight, you might say something like, I want to shrink my stomach by three inches. I'm gonna measure it and and shrink my stomach. Three measured inches. I'm gonna bring a healthy lunch toe work Instead of eating out, I'm gonna eat a healthier meal at home. Six nights a week that I make myself. I'm going to begin walking 30 minutes a day, four days a week. And I'm gonna do body weight workouts that I get on YouTube three days a week. You know, that's very specific and detailed on how you're going to lose weight. And what a lot of people do is they don't do a plan like that. They think, Well, that's hard. Well, yeah, change is hard. A lot of guys say, Well, I'm gonna I'm gonna do a better marriages. She I'm gonna have a better marriage. Well, how you gonna do it? I don't know. You know, just tell her I love her more. Well, and that's good. You should. But maybe there's some other things you could do. And so a good plan for that might be something like, I'm gonna goto five love languages dot com. And I'm gonna have my wife when I both do the love language tests. So I can know how she gives and receives love so I can build a list of ways to show my wife loved better this year, I'm gonna make that list based on what happens from five love languages dot com. I'm gonna review it weekly, and then I'm gonna make a plan every week of how I'm going to do it. And you see, people say, Well, that's that's a lot of That's a lot of work. And is that really love? Shouldn't it just come naturally? No. Remember, you're building a habit inhabits, take work like, let's say, one of the love languages words of affirmation. So if your wife is the words of affirmation person. But you don't really you're not that good at giving words of affirmation. Well, it's gonna be hard to do, so you're gonna have to work through it. I think that's a greater show of love to her that you're willing to change how you show her love, because it's what's important to her. You start doing that your marriage will change. You see, change often stays a dream in many men's lives because they don't move into the discipline of choosing a route. If you don't bring discipline to your dreams, they'll always be dreams. You'll never move ahead if you're not intentional about the how of your change. You'll never achieve change, you say. Well, I I planned one time and it didn't work out. Well, plan again. You see, if you don't, you'll always be that person who's talking about change but never really doing it. I've known people in the past who, who They knew every diet out there. You could mention a diet, and they could tell you all about it because they've done it. But they've never lost white. They've never changed. And what you want to do is be the person who begins to bring real change in your life. You say, Well, I'm too busy. Well, oftentimes, businesses away procrastinating because changes uncomfortable now when you plan a route, you may need some help. You may need to get some coaching, and coaching could be someone who helps you in that marriage department in the health department. In whatever you may need, some counseling, all counseling is, is emotional and mental coaching. Well, maybe you need that. Maybe you're not good at understanding what you feel, and and a coach or a counselor can help you do that. Maybe it's reading books listening to podcasts The truth is, professional athletes get coaching all the time. So why don't we, as men think we need coaching? Coaching doesn't mean you can't do it. It actually means you can. A professional athlete is a very good athlete, but they get the coaching because they want to be better. Now, when you're on this journey of planning your route out, don't forget to celebrate the reason change can stop forces. Oftentimes we get tired and we don't celebrate. You wanna pick some milestones along the way When you accomplish your goal, what will you do? How are you going to reward yourself when you reach the halfway point? What celebration will you do those air? Good things to decide because they help and they encourage you along the way. See, the reality for us is men. Is that change is hard. Riel changes often a day after day grind until it becomes a habit. But remember, you're not alone. Every man battles with things they want to change in their life. Every man remember the highlight reels you see never show the grind of someone else's life. So don't let other people's highlight reels discourage you understand that every highlight reel is a culmination of someone else's grinding. So what you want to do is put your grind in so you can have your own highlight reel your changes waiting on the other side of your new direction. You want to get the three keys in your life. Get in front of the mirror, get focused, plan your route on. Let this next year be your best year.

You've been listening to the confident man podcast. Click Subscribe. So you don't miss the future episodes. You could connect with David on Facebook and Instagram at David Maxwell. Find resource is help you as a man at the confident man dot me. That's the confident man, not me, yeah.

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